My Need to Clear the Record

May 8, 1996

The first time that I had the experience of being in the presence of a large number of Sikhs again, after 10 years of being away, was at a Sat Sang with Ma Jaia. During a break, various ones of you came and greeted me, and there was a great deal of love shared. MSS Sat Santokh Singh finally came up to me and asked me a question:

“So, tell me, how do you see us, how do you regard this family?” The question was a beautiful and simple one, and my unprepared reply was equally as simple: “I hold you in my heart, with great love. That has never changed.”

So, in the healing time of my reconnection with the Siri Singh Sahib and with all of you, the searching of my soul has been intense, trying to find the highest place of truth from which to address you. I have felt that the most persistent question in the minds and hearts of all of you has been very much like Sat Santokh Singh’s question, and I have also found that my answer is very much the same. I am here with you because you have never left my heart and my prayers and my longing, and the pain and grief of my separation from you has been an intense motivation to find my way back to you.  And equally, I assume that your prayers and your longing have called me back and knowing this we mutually stand gifted and blessed.

I am here today to address my need to clear the record. I am here to seek your forgiveness for all of the ugliness which our separation brought forth, to assure you that it was not by any means what I would have wanted or intended and that my suffering and profound sense of loss has been unimaginable, as I am certain yours has been as well.

Again, that first experience within Ma Jaia’s Sat Sang initiated the beginning of my reconnection with the Siri Singh Sahib. Within a month, I had an appointment to see him at the Ranch. I had longed to have a chance to meet him again, while still in these bodies, to somehow bring healing and closure to our journey.  I set my intention to meet him with Loving Presence, to hold a state of mindfulness and to remain connected to the Source within myself.  I was not coming with any other agenda, than to ‘see’ with eyes that had grown through another experience of life.

My most profound awareness in that first meeting was of the love which was still so deep, rich and undeniable. It is, was and ever shall be. Ad Such Jugad Such, He be Sach, Nanak Hosi bhi Such. And that is the Truth.

I am here because you are a part of me, you are a part of the heart of me and I do not wish to live any longer without that part. I long to be in service to you and through you once again. Perhaps my greatest service has been in the separation, which could afford the opportunity for re-uniting.  For in this process, I witness us having the opportunity to get in contact with the deepest and most profound Truth. 

For me a part of this Truth is contained in the following sentiment which came through me about one year ago: I want my family back together, I want my home back together, I want my heart back together and I want my Earth back together. I want for us to find the Sat Nam, the Truth of our identities as beloveds of one another, as The Beloved, experiencing Itself through us.

There is a quote of Rumi, the Sufi poet, which I share with you:

“Out beyond perceptions of right and wrong-doing, there is a field – I will meet you there.”